And how I would respond to them
Dear Author: You suck. No offense. Sincerely, Reviewer — Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay
As a group, writers are a thin-skinned lot.
Also, we tend to carry security blankets, or reasonable facsimiles. I, personally, have two: my dog Bentley and my Blanky. Both are blonde and furry. Bentley is an affable sixty-five-pound boxer/something we rescued five years ago, and Blanky, a faux fur throw. My wife got me the blanket for when I sit in my recliner and watch football and Fox News. It’s my faux fur for Fox and football blanky.
Where was I...?
As a rule, those of us in the writing game crave reviews. They are affirmations OR nullifications of our skills and hopes for success. Almost nothing — in a non-chemically induced category — gives us a higher high or more euphoria than getting a five-star review. On the other hand, one-stars can send us into fits of rage, childish whining, and in extreme cases of prolonged PRSD (Post Review Stress Disorder).
That’s where Bentley and Blanky come in handy. I like to pet both. They lower my blood pressure, but Bents has the added benefit of listening intently and sympathetically to my ranting. I can tell by his eyes he agrees with me, except when he pants. His panting looks an awful lot like laughing.
However, his panting/laughing made me realize something: One-star reviews shouldn’t be downers; they can be a source of amusement and excellent therapy, especially when I compare my writing to theirs.
So, I picked out my favorite One-Stars on Amazon. Well, some of them are two-stars, because I figure two-stars are just one-stars where the reviewer doesn’t want to hurt my feelings. They’re presented here exactly as they came to me, warts and all. You can fact check me on this.
Photo by Richard Brutyo on Unsplash
Of course, I can’t in good conscience respond to them literally, so I will here, virtually. Like I said, excellent therapy.
Coulda, woulda, shoulda What a disappointment. I would read 2 pages and the next 3 would be missing. Seems like it would have been a good book.
You can thank Amazon for this one. And you’re right. All my books are better when they include all the pages.
Dullsville Very dull. A total waste.
You can blame my editor. He’s dull. But I don’t think any book is a TOTAL waste. For example, perhaps by sitting at home reading my book, you missed someone putting a pie in your face. Lucky you.
Vicarious I don’t know if I got bored or what but couldn’t finish this book. Not much excitement to offered here.
Or what, indeed. I knew I should’ve “to offered” some erotica in that one.
If wishes were horses… Too silly. Not a very good story. Wish I hadn’t bought it.
Silly me. But thanks for the purchase. We appreciate your support.
Tagged A Little Too Off-The-Wall for me.
Plagiarism is a curse. I knew I shouldn’t have copied all that graffiti off those walls.
In a word Terrible
Terrible this, budroe.
Due diligence I always read the reviews before getting a book, and I’m confused with the number of 5 star ratings that this book received.
I know, right? Those morons.
Full moon Storyline OK but werewolf knowledge weak. Liked the human characters but the werewolves were portrayed as violent and vicious animals. Poor characterization for the wolves!
Must admit, I had no face-to-face encounters with werewolves before I wrote this book. Still haven’t. All I know is what I’ve seen in movies and read in books, and I honestly thought violence and viciousness were what they did. My bad. Please send my sincere apologies to wolves everywhere.
Could’ve been huge this was a hugh dissapointment.
Please tell Hugh I’m sorry. I must’ve been concentrating too much on spelling and punctuation.
Bloody, wot? Sorry, there was just too much phantasy for me.
No need to apologize. I figure you’re British or an academic, or a British academic. So, you know, one person’s phantasy is another person’s fantasy.
Down on the farm and puppy cute If you like hokey speak and long drawn out scenes, then you will be fine. I felt the author tried to be to cute.
One of my flaws. Sometimes I just feel the need to cute.
A NOT review is better than no review at all. Sorry can not write a review as I could not keep going in this book, never did a thing for me so I did not continue reading.
Yes, I know how hard it can be to review a book you haven’t read. It just CANNOT be done.
And the winner is… I didn’t order or receive this item.
I sincerely regret your not ordering this book. Please feel free not to return it.
I do appreciate you taking time to read my offering here, even if it’s only one-star worthy. Also, I would encourage you to review any and all of my books you’ve read. Who knows. Maybe you'll show up on my blog. Every little bit helps.